About a month ago I went to a new-ish worship
festival called David’s Tent. I’d never heard of it before, and so had no idea
what to expect. The premise was 24/3: continuous worship in a huge tent for 3
days straight (obviously not everyone was there all the time – sleep was
acceptable). Having had 2 hectic years at university without being able to make
it to any similar events due to work commitments and time pressures I was a
little worried that I may have become out of the loop with the friendship group
I was meeting up with. As soon as I arrived I realised I needn’t have had any
such worries – I was made to feel as welcome as I would have been had I seen
them only a week ago!
The first evening I felt, against my
will, slightly out of place. Since going to uni I’d remained Catholic but opted
for the quieter, peaceful atmosphere of a very traditional church to escape
from my unending busy schedule, and had been unable to find anywhere that
embraced the charismatic renewal lifestyle I had been brought up in. I realised
that in the past 2 years something had happened which I would never have
expected prior to leaving home: I had become more accustomed to quiet, low-key
prayer than lively praise and worship.
As the retreat went on I was very
quickly reminded of why I’ve always loved worship, and just how much I could
get out of it. I naturally became caught up in the glorious atmosphere of the
presence of God, and found myself feeling completely at home. In fact it wasn’t
just like being at home – it was as though I was returning home!
What I hadn’t mentioned to anyone was
that I wasn’t just there to experience the joyful buzz, I was there out of
desperation. In the recent weeks the depression that I’d suffered with since I
was 13 years old had been regaining strength to the extent that I was terrified
of handing over all control to it once again. The plans I had spent so long
working on for my life were being turned upside down by uncertainty about whether
they were God’s plans or simply my own, I was suffering from severe stress
around the workload for my degree and I generally felt utterly lost. But it was
in one of the afternoon ‘breakout’ sessions – or talks – that I heard the
phrase I had been sent there to hear:
“God
is breaking you so that you can know He is the only one who can satisfy you.”
The following day I was in a worship
session led by Jesus Culture’s Bryan and Katie Torwalt. As they prepared to
play a particular song they recounted the times that people had reported
intense healing taking place whilst it was being sung, and listed the ailments
that they felt God wanted to heal in that moment. I felt certain that God was
trying to heal me of something, and when they said ‘sports injuries’ my
attention automatically turned to my back, in which I’d suffered from a lot of
pain for several months since a rowing injury. But as they prayed over these
conditions something didn’t feel quite right.
It was then that Katie added clinical
depression to the list. She stressed that it was serious enough to be
medicated, which I was, and I knew God was speaking to me. As I sat curled up
with my head on my knees I felt a friend praying over me, and as the Torwalts
played the song I had a distinct vision of my hand holding a red balloon. God
came and cut the string it was attached to, and as the balloon drifted away I
began to rejoice at His healing power. But then He took me back to that image
and I realised the hand was still holding the remaining section of string. I
felt Him urging me to let go of the past and release the delusion that my
depression made up my personality. As hard as I tried I couldn’t let go, and I
resigned myself to the fact that maybe I just wasn’t ready, or wasn’t strong
enough. Then, as the final chord of the song resounded from Bryan Torwalt’s
guitar, I saw as clear as day the hand open and the string fall to the ground.
It still takes effort to prevent myself giving in when life is tough, but since
that moment I have felt a sense of peace and freedom which I’ve lacked for 7
years. The negative thoughts are fewer and less intense, and when they come I
am now able to hand them completely over to the Lord.
Mine is just one of several accounts of
being healed of depression I’ve heard recently. THIS IS GOD’S YEAR OF HEALING!!
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